Counting down to the end of the Noughties

Quite funny what a year can bring with all of its peregrinations. I wrote that last entry as I way to kick start my life when I was in a place where I felt like I was floundering far, far from the shore of what I consider a normal life to be. In a way, simply writing that out then disappearing from this blog again until today was the spark I was looking for. Writing has always been therapeutic for me but I've never been able to commit myself to a steady flow on ink on paper. I tend to have a nadir then reboot myself in a different direction by pouring my feelings out on paper in a burst, always promising to continue in the near future but never committing to that. In a way that is a metaphor for how I've spent the Noughties; searching, searching, searching for answers but never living in solutions. Very backwards. However, considering the various traumas that this last decade has served me up, I think that the way I've handled things was my defensive mechanism against myself. Living with a mental illness is an extreme challenge; coming to terms with psychological break downs is THE necessary step to being able to life a normal life after those episodes. That process takes TIME. Until that healing takes place living with a mental illness is impossible. It really is that debilitating. Trust me, I know, I've been through it three times in the Noughties and have had to rebound from each one. As this decade closes, I feel like I'm ready for the challenge of living with my disease instead of suffering from it. A huge difference in scope. Like I say, implementing solutions instead of searching for more problems to try to find more solutions and on and on and on in a cycle that has in its own way stolen much of the past decade from me in terms of experiences I had always envisioned myself having when I was young, naive, and unaware of the capacity of my own thoughts, and potently, the significance of my emotions and how they are sculpted by what I think about. To clear that up, I think feelings are your barometer to how your thoughts harmonize with what IS, not what you think what IS. That dichotomy is the key to understanding how mental illness can sneak up on you, it is a deficiency where intellectually you override you emotional self without a fail safe button in place like a disease of the mind free person has. That person catches themselves and adjusts there imbalance. I don't do that without effort. I don't have that autonomous capacity so I have to consciously make adjustments, which is hard work because my mind tends to focus intensely of things outside of my body. It has hard to rein myself in and just be without letting my thoughts start up there engines again. It still is.